D-I-L-E-M-M-A

Alan and our kids are the best things that ever happened in my life.
I would never trade them for anything or anyone else.
In a tele-conversation with my mom yest, I told her this,
"结了婚7年了，这7年来，不是他为我忙，就是我为他忙。要不然就是我们为孩子而忙。
到了这个年纪，很自然地便会开始想一想，自己到底要得是什么？ 下半辈子该怎么过？”

Recently I've been thinking about my life. To anyone looking at me, I guess they'll just see a busy wife, mom of two, working professional. I seem to be busy enough. But there's been a godly discontentment arising in my heart. I really want to throw in a few more balls into my juggling load. I dunno if I can still keep them all up in the air. I know it'll be like a ripple, and it'll affect the people around me, like my Alan, my kids, my mom, my sis, my colleagues. I know. But if I don't do it now, then when?

Often when I'm with my thots, I wonder if I'm selfish. Selfish to want more for myself. Shouldn't I keep my energy, my money, my time for what I already have on my plates? Yesterday I spoke to a dear friend. He told me something different. That I am not selfish enough. That I'm not thinking enough of what I want. Is that true? Is it rite to sacrifice and expect sacrifice from people around me just so I can achieve what I want? What is the right time?

So what do I want?

I want our 3rd Baby - as planned, Elizabeth (we hope for a girl!) should arrive 2009.
I wanna do my Masters in Counselling (which means I have to fulfill a bond).
I wanna take time off from work to be with Megan and Joseph when they're in primary school.

There are many more. But slightly more frivolous in comparison to these mentioned. I am struggling to come to terms between the war of practicality, self-actualisation, capability & dreams fulfilled.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pray for me when you remember me!