Please raise me up...

It will always be something I struggle with. My relationship with my parents-in-law can probably make it to mention if someone came up with a list of "worst relationships ever". I'm not proud about it. I envy frens when I hear how their MILs care about them. Even those who have a cordial relationship. Cos I don't have that. I may never.

After trying, failing, trying again, doing things I don't wanna do, we're still at Square One. After last nite, I'm plain tired. Too tired to try anymore. Or to feel any anger, to feel any obligation and maybe even to see God's will in all these. It's totally beyond me why they can do this to us. Despite my years in counselling broken people and family, I give up on my own. I feel like a defeat and my heart is too weak to think like I should anymore.

I tried to love them like my own parents. Maybe they tried too.
But maybe there are some relationships in this earth that just can't work. Like this one.
Maybe we will never understand each other. Maybe whatever we try to do, it will be misunderstood.
Maybe there is just no time and space for niceties, cos rude stares, condescending words are just too many.

I dunno exactly what went wrong and when that was. Whatever it is, I now know, and perhaps also accept, that it will never change. We will remain at the outgates.

And as I am typing this, I am feeling better as I choose to believe and accept that this is something that might not change. It's true, isn't it? Sometimes, when we just stop striving, and sit down, then we realise all the striving had been pointless.

"When I am down and oh my soul so weary.
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until You come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up
So I can stand on mountains
You raise me up
To walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on Your shoulders
You raise me up
to more than I can be "

What exactly is "more than I can be" Lord?
Many things happen and we may never understand why.
But today, I choose to sit with You and look into Your face.
To be embraced with the knowledge of Your everlasting love.
And to be reminded that Your mercies for me are new every morning.

Thank you Lord. Love You.